Inventory 29 August 2009

The starting-point of critical elaboration is the consciousness of what one really is, and is ‘knowing thyself’ as a product of the historical process to date, which has deposited in you an infinity of traces, without leaving an inventory…therefore it is imperative at the outset to compile such an inventory. - Antonio Gramsci, The Prison Notebooks:  Selections 1929-1935

I’ll try to keep this brief so as not to bore you and to satisfy my ever-increasing desire to unplug.

We’re here.  In our spacious, nearly empty Seattle home.  JumbleSon will be starting school soon.  So will I.  (We’re making 5 Orange Potatoes’ Elderberry Syrup today (using Agave Nectar) so we’ll be ready for the back-to-school germs.)

Our things remain in Boulder.  And, I’m OK with that.  In fact, I’m not sure I want them back.  Life here is so very simple without all our gear.

My days are spent trying to choose the most perfect lunchbox systems for both of us (that’s an entire post of its own), reading book after book with JumbleSon on our shady front porch, studying Festivals Together and Halloween costume hunting, visiting thrift stores in search of treasures that we need but don’t have waiting for us in Boulder (like baskets … I’m so done with plastic containers).  We visit different libraries many times each week.  And of course, coffee shops (with seating) nearly daily.   We walk along the ship canal and sit under tall trees, waving at the boats & kayaks gliding by.

I find myself watching JumbleSon play, eat, climb trees, draw, etc. with a goofy grin on my face.  My heart is so full.   I wonder if this bliss isn’t how most parents spent their newbie days – watching their quiet, peaceful newborns (something, sadly, I never have the pleasure of doing).  I am drinking in every ounce of him, and wanting no distractions.  Us.  Just us.  Time alone together in these last lazy days.

At the same time, I’ve started acquiring and reading my texts for school.  I remain terrified, but so grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given to stretch my mind.  With that comes the need for integration of my Selves – my Mama/Wife Self and my Student/Teacher Self.   This will take all the energy I have for a while.

And so, like many bloggers before me, I will close JumbleBerry Jam for Inventory until further notice.

I love and miss all of my friends here very much.  So please, if you are interested in keeping in touch with me, please let me know.  I will check in with your blog from time to time (until my Reader explodes ).  And hope that we can stay connected until I can post regularly here and on your blogs again.

Thank you so much for being here for me these past 9 months!!

Tribal Shores 31 July 2009

I can not believe what just happened to us!

I was sitting up in the loft (house hunting). The boys were playing with Angeliki out in the yard. The windows were open and I heard a very odd sound.

It was like a chant. Low and deep.

Somehow I knew what it was.

I leaped out of my seat, grabbed my camera and ran. Like I can’t remember running in a long time.

I was headed to the beach.

When I emerged on the shore and looked in the direction of the chanting, I saw canoes! LOTS of canoes coming down the Strait.

Native American tribes were landing on the shore! Just a few hundred feet from my beach!

I gasped.

Ran like mad back down the lane. Grabbed the boys and Angeliki and went back as fast as we could.

This time we ran into our neighbors. This was their land. Home of the S’klallam Tribe (click here for more about them). Today they were welcoming nearly 31 tribes from the Pacific Northwest (US & Cananda) to their shores. You can read more about it here or here.

When we arrived the Elder was addressing a canoe full of women and men. Canoe after canoe arrived, some singing, some chanting, some silent. They waited their turn – oars pointed in the air – to announce themselves, offer to share their song, dance and medicines in exchange for permission to come ashore, dine and drink with them. Once permission was granted, there was much drumming and cheering in agreement.

JumbleSon took large clam shells, positioned himself right behind the Elder, clapped them together and joined in saying, “Welcome! Welcome!”

I couldn’t stop crying.

As I sit back here at the computer again (we left so as not to intrude on the ceremonies), I can hear the chanting, singing and words being spoken. Bless the wind for bringing me this gift.

I can hardly breathe.

I’m beginning to understand that my attachment to this place runs far deeper than just a love of the weather.

Here 9 July 2009

No words come to me to describe it.
This sacred place.
The delicate and fragrant understory.
Light dappling through lacy leaves.
River dancing over mossy rocks.

The boys walk ahead.
Douglas Firs tower.
The river sings.
I linger
And weep.

There is a beauty that is mine.
How did it get here?
Into my soul
Rapturous.
Only here.

May Day 1 May 2009

May, and among the miles of leafing,

blossoms storm out of the darkness –

windflowers and moccasin flowers. The bees

dive into them and I too, to gather

their spiritual honey. Mute and meek, yet theirs

is the deepest certainty that this existence too –

this sense of well being, the flourishing of the physical body–rides

near the hub of the miracle that everything

is a part of, is as good

as a poem or a prayer, can also make

luminous any dark place on earth.

Mary Oliver:American Primitive:1983

**image Dover Publications

Play-by-Play and Giveaway 28 April 2009

For those drooling over our anniversary meal, I thought I’d keep you up to date on my preparations…

Last night I made cashew cheese for the ravioli filling.  Any chef who makes a vegan cheese without nutritional yeast or tofu makes me a fan.

And WOW!  This is powerful, good stuff.

I cut the Vegan Libre recipe in half, but now I wish I hadn’t because the leftover would have been eaten in a flash!

Although the cheese recipe is raw, I sauteed the onions and garlic before adding them (’cause the Jumbles don’t care for raw garlic & onion so much).

Since the cheese turned out so well, I decided to press on and finish off the filling by sauteeing a little more onion and tossing in the spinach.

I did not add another tablespoon of Italian Seasoning.   The filling is very strongly flavored without it (thanks to the cheese).

The texture is positively dreamy…like a mousse.  I want to eat it with a spoon!  But will refrain.

This morning I hope to make the mock salmon pate, and then the vodka sauce this afternoon.

That leaves the pasta for tomorrow.  I must admit that I’m getting cold feet about making the ravioli from scratch.  If I had a pasta maker, no problem.  But, I don’t.  And rolling it to just the right thinness is intimidating right now.

May punt and make manicotti using dried pasta.

In other news, couldn’t find a commemorative Washington Merlot.  Just one more reason to move back to Seattle immediately!

Settled for a 2003 Cab from the Coonawarra region of Australia.  To remind us of our 6 month road trip in 2006.  At least it was on sale for $10 off their retail price.

Amidst a zillion other stresses and worries today, I am crafting like mad for the Festival of Flora which begins today, includes May Day/Beltane and ends May 3rd.

So, let’s have a giveaway!

Tomorrow at Work in Progress (W.I.P.) Wednesday, I’ll announce a crafty giveaway in celebration of Flora and her abundance. Here’s a teaser…

A Resurrection 7 April 2009

It would seem my Lenten period is about up.

I am thrilled to report that over the past 40 days, I’ve experienced at least one miracle – performed by my one and only, JumbleSon.

Since returning from New Mexico, he has decided to give up his afternoon nap. This means that he’s crashing for the night around 7:15pm or earlier (whee!).

While this has brought all sorts of wonderful and unexpected things for me – like a very chilled out, snuggly toddler come mid-afternoon (odd, you say? tell me about it! as always, he mystifies me), long talks with my JumbleLove over dinner (just like the good old days), and time to spread craft projects out in the living room w/out worry that he’ll wake mid-project and want to “help”.

Perhaps even more significant is the fact that JumbleHusband is awake, able and willing to hold down the fort while I strap on my barely used, 4 year old, running shoes and take them for a spin!

While I haven’t managed to reclaim the other 3 things on my Lenten list, running is the very best place to start.

And, if I correctly recall the impact from days past, I expect this small step will ripple through my body, mind, heart and soul in such a way that I’ll be making great strides towards health and wholeness in no time!

How about you? Have you experienced any resurrections this Spring?

Sage Women 6 March 2009

I am very fortunate to know many wonderful women IRL & IBL (InRealLife and InBlogLand) .  How grateful I am for their willingness to share their wisdom with me as I blindly stumble along trying to find my way.

Here are snippets of three discussions that have been rocking my world over the past week:

1. “When things change, a new normal/balance must be found” {L.}
2. Different parents have different compatibility with their children.  Some are totally compatible, some are occasionally compatible and others are polar opposites.  In the cases where there are challenges to compatibility, it’s the parents’ job to find/engage/employ other people and resources (perhaps even outside the family unit) to help establish the equilibrium that both the child and parent needs. {paraphrased from Shanti}
3. “‘When we liberate ourselves from the idea of success, we liberate our children from failure.’” What it tells me is that when I pressure myself to be a great mother I have an idea in my mind of what that looks like, albeit a subconscious one. If there is a picture of a successful mother in there, there must be also one of a (I won’t say failed) not so successful mother. So what happens if, in my measure of success, I begin to come up short of my target?…if I sit in the moment with nothing but Love, I unburden us both to achieve anything at all.” {Holistic Mama}

   So these are the things I’m trying to work through in a sea of black – balance, harmony and unburdening. Thank you for lighting my path, sage friends.

   

Moving Beyond Mardi Gras 24 February 2009

Fat Tuesday is here!  And I am feeling it.  This time last year I was nearly 15 pounds lighter.  If only I was one of those people who stopped eating when depressed!  But, in typical Jumbled form, I just stuff my face like mad.  As this day of revelry comes to an end, so must my sad feeding frenzy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lovely Blisschick post.  She suggests planting positive seeds this Lenten season.

I was not raised Catholic, so I don’t necessarily have any negative associations with it.  To the contrary, I rather like the idea of giving up something for 40 days each year.  The first time I tried it, I celebrated Carne vale style (from the Latin meaning “farewell meat”) by going vegetarian.  That has been one of the most happy abstinence experiences of my life.

This year, I feel a strong need to move beyond letting go, and look towards holding on to and reclaiming pieces of myself so that I can move on to the real work at hand – reinventing myself.

Most of the “old me” was shattered with JumbleSon’s birth.  But there are parts that I should not try to live without:

• daily running meditations
• eating healthy foods in moderation
• limiting chocolate consumption
• foregoing comparisons

Especially during difficult times, I must have these things.   While I have ideas about how I might bring these things back in to my life, I can not see how they will actually manifest into reality.  So, I must go to work.

Starting this new moon I will lay the groundwork over the next 40 days for reclaiming the healthy pieces of myself.  And perhaps the woman behind the mask will one day reveal her true Self once more.

How about you?  Do you use the Lenten Season (or any other time of the year) to reflect on, and/or recreate yourself?  If so, what are you working on this year?  What can’t you live without?

Brigit’s Fire 4 February 2009

Keep the Flame Burning by Rowena Murillo

Around this time of year you can find all kinds of references to Brigit (or Brighid, Bride, St. Brigid).  As I mentioned on Monday, I have been drawn to her and Candlemas/Imbolc celebrations since my first experiences of early Spring in February.

This is the first time in three years that I’ve had the time, energy and place to celebrate the fire that is being kindled deep in the Earth, and to consider the fires that are in need of rekindling and/or starting in my own life.

My days glide glacially by.  Looking at myself through my pre-parent eyes, I can not fathom why I am not healthier and happier than I’ve ever been my whole life.  This precious time.  So empty.  So full.

I think that is why I love Imbolc.  The holiday buzz is long past.  Spring can seem so far away.  Unless you look closely and take care to light a fire that will carry you through the remainder of Winter.

Thank you to D at Song of the Syrinx for reminding me to tend the fire, and to Warrior Girl for encouraging me to Keep the Flame Burning.

In celebration of Spring’s rebirth, I put together (with the help of my brilliant JumbleSpouse) this photo meditation.

Bright blessings to you!

Expectation 16 January 2009

Now that the little Jumbler is (mostly) sleeping through the night and (somewhat) consistently napping during the day, I’m finding that I am rediscovering my capacity to think.  I’m not saying it is profound thinking, but it’s a huge step as I emerge from this 2-year fog.

There are so many things They never tell you.   Perhaps it’s because They forget.  Perhaps They don’t want to shatter the dream.  Or, perhaps They just hope it will go better for you.

But whatever the reason, I vow – here and now – to tell My Truth to 1st-time parents.  Yes, it’s likely your child will not have the intense temperament that mine has had since birth.  And, true, it will be easier for you (at least short-term) if you choose popular parenting methods rather than practicing Attachment Parenting.    But what I need to tell you is this…

Lower your expectations.  I’m not talking about just giving up girls night out at the dance club, fine dining with your lover and/or friends several nights a week, frequent frolics with your hobby of choice, your exercise routine and weekends spent reading books, watching movies and puttering about.  I’m talking about everything.  Just drop it.  Expect nothing but you, your partner and your child for the first two years of his/her life.

This is the noble truth of the origin of suffering: it is this craving which leads to renewed existence, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there, that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for existence, craving for extermination.

Then, and only then, will you be able to truly experience the joys of parenthood.  Not making this necessary leap from Individual to Parent can be soul crushing.  Which, spiritually, is a good thing in the long run.  But there has to be a better way than suffering through it.

This is the noble truth of the cessation of suffering: it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, nonreliance on it.

So just let. it. go.  Your old life.  The new life you thought you’d have with your sweet babe. The old you. The you that is unrecognizable in the mirror and your muddled, sleep-deprived mind.

This is the noble truth of the way leading to the cessation of suffering: it is the Noble Eightfold Path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration.

In the precious few thinking moments I have been given, I will meditate with much gratitude upon these things.

Sweet Release