School Daze 16 August 2009

Don’t get off that roller coaster just yet, JumbleMama!

So, last week after we got JumbleSon into the luscious Waldorf preschool, we received a call from the AP-friendly, Reggio Emilia preschool. You guessed it! A full-time spot had opened up for us.

I’ve been stewing and stewing over our fortunate dilemma for nearly a week. But today is our deadline for making the final decision…

JumbleSpouse, while loving the Waldorf environment (that’s the one with the rabbits & amazing play yard), is sold on the Reggio emergent curriculum. I, too, am a fan as I think JumbleSon will love it.

Still, both places have amazing pros, and frustrating cons…in wildly different areas.

The Waldorf folks are all about tuning in to Nature, rhythm, Seasons, and nurturing play; but, they want the parents to butt out. The Reggio gang invite the parents into their school days – keeping journals w/pictures full of details from each child’s day, there’s an open door policy for parents, and the rooms have framed pictures of Mama & Dad in their “living/school rooms.” However, their outdoor play space is non-existent (thanks to a recent move…it’s slated for the next development phase) and there is a serious lack of animals!

Although the Reggio school is almost directly across the ship canal from our home (less than a 1/4 mile if there was a bridge across it), it’s harder to get there (and then on to my school) by bus than Waldorf.

And of course, there’s the food issue…Waldorf – peanut free only. I can live with that. But Reggio – totally nut free. That’s a big issue since JumbleSon’s main protein source is a wide variety of nuts. And, to add another royal pain in my rear, I have to get a doctor’s note so JumbleSon can drink rice or soy milk at lunch/snack time at Reggio (because they’re on the milk program).

And yet, in spite all of this, we’ll be switching gears and enrolling my Jumbley one at the Reggio school. In large part because they are (unlike Waldorf) licensed by the State, so there we are entitled to a 40% tuition reimbursement by my grad school (and the generous American taxpayers – thank you!). But also because, while we believe our son will be happy either place, the reality is that the Waldorf school is mostly for me – to ease my guilt.

Reggio feels like “school”. Waldorf feels like home. And, a home I won’t be able to provide for my boy 5 out of 7 days of the week. Waldorf is magical in every way. Reggio is more like the “real world”. Sure, the kids still get to be kids, but they don’t necessarily spend their days looking for gnomes and making faerie houses…which is exactly what I want that for my son (whether he wants it or not ).

I long for magic in our lives, but will have a difficult time spotting/creating it once my school starts. In Waldorf, it’s a part of daily life – life that is rich, warm and nurturing – at least on the surface.

And yet, kids do not even take home the art they create, let alone have the chance to transition into school days with the help of their parents who are ordered out the door as soon as they arrive. This is where the AP-friendly nature of the Reggio school won us over.

Not only will I be able to stay as long and as often as I need to until he’s comfortable, but I’ll also get detailed, weekly reports – with photos! – of all that I’m missing in his long days away from me. I REALLY need this…more than relief from the guilt of not providing a magical, nurturing environment for him 5 days/week.

I try not to recall the free-range bunnies, incredible play structures, nature tables, gardens, Australian finches, and ethereal “school” rooms at Waldorf.

Instead, I’m thinking about the Reggio field trips and projects (that JumbleSon is so fond of working on already), and our new home next to Charlotte, her animals and the hope that she’ll share farm-life with us in the city. About our huge back yard and ample living space – the clean slate they are for creating a warm, nurturing environment to come home to each day…after our work is done and the roller coasters have stopped and we’re together again at last.

Gentle weaning 28 January 2009

…continued from Night Weaning.

The fallout from all of this is that he [JumbleSon] has been out of his mind during the day…wanting to nurse constantly, unable to function if I am not totally engaged with him, etc.

This, I’m sad to report, drove me mad. While I had no intention of day-weaning this early, too, I realized that I was at the “skin-crawling” phase I’d heard many extended-breastfeeding Mamas talk about. So, I thought we’d explore limiting day-time nursing, too  (email to a friend on December 12th):

We’re trying to “ration” nursing – there’s a blue piece of felt (from a certain Pixie) on our wall. Six snowperson stickers are lined up on it – numbered 1 thru 6. For each nursing, he places a sticker on a snowperson. Once they all have stickers, Mama’s milk is done for the day.

It’s hard work to help him ration it out, but we’re in day 4 and, so far haven’t run out . Now, that’s not to say he isn’t asking for it constantly. And, our nursing sessions last as long as I can stand it (it’s really getting painful), but he seems to “get it”.

I know he’s serious about needing to nurse when he goes, picks out a sticker and attempts to apply it without my coaxing/help. I try to wait until he’s that determined before giving in. My goal is to first limit the length of the sessions, then slowly eliminate them between now and next November (if I can make it that long).

Last week, I put the felt board away. We hadn’t used it in weeks. And, with very little encouragement from me, he’s down to nursing at 4 or 5am, naptime and bedtime, and we are both enjoying our nursing time together so much more.

Perhaps more importantly, our relationship has really blossomed.  He’s so much happier, affectionate, relaxed and independent now.   I am still marveling – with unspeakable gratitude, joy and relief – as I reflect on this transformation over the course of 3 months:

• Would our lives have been easier had partial weaning happened earlier?  Yes.
• Was my son ready?  No.
• Am I glad I waited until he was ready?  Absolutely.
• Was it hard, painful, frustrating, exhausting work?  Oh, yes.
• What would I have done differently if I could do it again?  Let go of my expectations and trust in my child’s ability to make developmental leaps; knowing that when the time comes (and it will come), whatever we’re struggling to work through will go so much more smoothly so long as we remain connected through honest communication and grounded in our deep love for one another.
  

"More smooches. Both sides!"

Night Weaning 27 January 2009

Although my mission for this blog is to focus on things that aren’t solely parent-related, I look forward to periodic opportunities to write for Crunchy Mama (thank you again, Miri, for being so kind as to invite me over). My friend, Amy (aka, Crunchy Domestic Goddess), recently asked me about night weaning JumbleSon (now 26 months old), and I thought our experiences might be helpful to share.  There’s also a beautiful post over on the API blog about this very topic today.

Nursing at two weeks

From the beginning, I didn’t really have a time table for weaning.  I hoped that we would both know when it was time.  But, after two years of frequent night waking, inconsistent napping, long, unpredictable (often ugly) days, and lots of internal struggle, I decided it was time to make a change.

While things were no where near as dire as I imagine it was for this poor family, I began to fear for JumbleSon’s development, and my ability to be the Mama I longed to be. Sleep deprivation is, as I believe Shellyfish so aptly commented one of my previous posts, “the most evil of tortures. It can make you lose your mind!” And, your child’s mind, too (as we often experienced; although, thankfully I never got a black eye! Oh, how my heart breaks for the Lamb family!).

We tried everything we felt comfortable with to help our little Jumble sleep well: co-sleeping, sleeping next to us but in his own bed, sleeping in his own room, temperature adjustments, bedtime routines, clothing changes, soothing music, back rubs, rocking, fans, sleepytime tea, baths with chamomile oil and massage, you name it. Nothing worked. Night weaning was our last resort.

Last because any attempts we made between ages 15 months and 21 months had been traumatic failures. While the No-Cry Sleep Solution had worked wonders with naps (which, incidentally, did not happen until he was 8 months old!), it was useless at night. We thought Dr. Gordon’s approach might work, but sadly, each time we were devastated by the hysteria it caused. (We’re talking 4 1/2 hours of screeching like he was being tortured with no signs of it ending this century, so nursing resumed.) While I was clearly ready for night weaning, my dear son was not.

But something happened after JumbleSon began talking in nearly-complete sentences around 22 months. His over-all temperament changed, and communication became a very successful way of navigating difficulties. So, back in full co-sleeping mode, I thought it was time to try Dr. Gordon’s plan once more.

Here’s an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend about our experience on Nov 20th of last year (the day after he turned 2).

On 17 October, without explanation, he slept for 10 hours straight without so much as a peep, and was transformed into a different child. Confident that he could “do it” this time, we decided to try night weaning again. All day we talked about how good he felt and that it was because of his good sleep. That I thought we’d try to get more of it by only having milk at bedtime (when the moon woke up and the sun fell asleep) and in the morning (when the sun woke up). First night…2 1/2 hours of trauma (but far better than 4+ with no signs of stopping as in the past). Second night…something like 1 1/2 hours. Third about 45 minutes. Fourth about 15 minutes.

Since then there are nights when he’s up for 1 1/2 hours wide awake and crying. And there are nights where he’ll sleep for 8 or 9 hours straight. But I never know. So, I’m still going to bed when he does. The up side is that now he’s far more cuddly…both at night and during the day. He loves to “cuddle daddy…and mama,

Comforting Snoedel Bug

too” in our bed towards the end of the day. I can hardly believe it! At last…all these months (nearly 2 years) of wanting to cuddle him and he’s finally agreeable, and even choosing it for himself!

Now, most nights he wakes at 2am, sometimes calling out “where’s Mama?” or asking for milk, sometimes not.   I embrace him and remind him that the sun is still sleeping.  He fusses for a minute or two, then usually goes back to sleep until 4 or 5am when our sun “wakes up” (even if it’s still dark).  I nurse him back to sleep for another hour or two, or sometimes he’s up for the day.

Occasionally his night fussing will be prolonged. That is when I ask him if he will comfort Snoedel Bug who has “started crying”, too (Snoedel became his sleeping buddy with night weaning).  He always says “yes,” and I ask him if he’ll help me sing Snoedel to sleep. “Yes,” he says, and does. We snuggle and sing together until he falls back to sleep (often mid-song, which I find to be one of the most endearing moments of the day/night).

My email from November 20th continues…

The fallout of all this…to be continued with Gentle Weaning.